But
by Katie of Gryffindor
Summary: A certain blonde lays in his bed and ponders his life. His mind is plagued by the word "but." R/R please!


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Disclaimer: I don't own Draco(sad, but true…). Nor do I own who he ponders. I own the words. That is all.

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A/N: I wrote this at 4 am. So if it becomes incoherent somehow, I apologize.

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But…

By Katie of Gryffindor

I'm laying in my bed now and pondering where I went wrong. When the hell did this happen? I lift my head slowly and twist my pale fingers behind my head. Putting my soft blonde hair back and into my upturned palms, I sigh deeply. How have I managed to screw up everything I've ever known?

But I know.

You've made me weak. You've made me feel. Father has always told me that feelings make you weak. And you've stirred in me the worst feeling ever. _Love._ My lips curl into an involuntary sneer. I lay in wonder at the fact that suddenly I feel. It is the strangest thing in the world. Well, of course I have felt before. 

But this. 

This is different. I don't feel like I am capable of murder right now, like normal feelings make me feel. I shake my head, as though I might be able to shake away this abnormality. Under normal circumstances, a feeling would stir inside me the need to destroy something. Under normal circumstances, I would utterly obliterate the ego of someone within a ten foot radius of my person. When I feel, something inside me sets off a surge of hatred. 

But now.

Now all I feel like doing is smiling. And that is _not_ the way a Malfoy operates. A Malfoy does not show any emotion unless it is disgust, hatred or smugness. Any derivatives thereof are perfectly acceptable, as well as combinations of them. A Malfoy is never… What's that stupid word? Yes. That's right. _Happy._ Ugh. Just thinking the word makes me want to vomit. I almost do, too.

But then.

Then my mind turns to my predicament. That emotion comes back to the surface. L-. Dammit, I can say the word, can't I? L-. Oh for Merlin's sake. Alright. I'm getting the damn word out this time. _Love._ Ugh. I'm shuddering from the anxiety of even thinking the bloody word. My face screws up into a look of disgust, and I pride myself on it. But I think that unnatural emotion may be what I'm feeling now. _Love._ So there, I said it easier this time.

But why.

Why is it that I am suddenly capable of feeling love? It is the only weakness that can break someone completely. I close my eyes, succumbing to the questions streaming through my mind. Am I going to have this sodding emotion plague me? Am I going to crumble under its forces? No, I must fight it. 

But how.

How, when I finally know what it is to feel a true emotion? Am I really going to turn down the chance to be happy? Can I really do that? Can I truly turn away from you and never feel this again? I turn onto my side and pull my blankets over my chest. I want to push past all this weakness and get back to life as it was.

But no.

I know I really cannot. I know that this feeling that has suddenly awakened my heart is too good for me to throw away like yesterday's _Daily Prophet._ I frown in my frustration. I know I cannot leave this door unopened. I know that this is too phenomenal to ignore. 

But I try.

I try to push past this-. This _love_. I try to pay no heed to the rise in my heart rate when I see you. I try to work through this stupidity that is suddenly cursing my existence. I try to stop the smile in my soul from escaping its iron-clad prison and etching itself across my pale features. 

But surely.

Surely I can get through this. Surely this is not love. Surely this is only my idiot teenaged hormones raging within me. Surely this too will fade into the history of my life. My rosy lips purse as I steel myself and try to rid myself of this aberration inside me. I will manage to hide this foolhardiness and my world will revert to the way I was before you. 

But I don't.

I don't want to, really. You welcome me into you. You show me your every want. Your every need. Your every emotion. My eyes still shut, I dredge up a memory of your face. Even now, I can see into your very soul. I can see that you care about everyone your life has ever touched. I can see that you care for even me. I can see all of you, and I feel more alive than I ever have. I want to do something for you.

But what.

What can I do for you? What could someone like me possibly do for someone like you? What could possibly come from me that would do anything for you? I brush away a tear I did not realize was on its way. I wish that I never had to feel this way.

But finally.

Finally my brain gives in. My emotions overthrow my reasoning. My heart takes control of me. For the first time in my life. I give in to the _Love_. I can feel it spreading out from my heart and moving through my veins next to the Malfoy blood. It is an all-consuming emotion, love. I can feel it taking over. And I do not think I mind.

But I should.

I should care that my Malfoy blood has suddenly been contaminated by _Love_ of all things. I am disgusted. 

But not.

I really like the feeling of love pulsing through me. I never want to lose this now I've found it. I can feel everything much easier now. I can see everything clearer. I can hear everything better. Everything has become more intense now that I have released my heart from the bonds of hatred and loathing. I smile. It is a foreign feeling. I do not remember ever smiling before. And I think it may be because I have never known anything that would make me want to smile. And I do not believe that anything can ever effect me enough to make me spread my lips into this strange expression. Nothing at all. Nothing.

But you.

Only you can have this effect on me. You are suddenly the purpose in my life. The reason to live. The drive behind my every action. And suddenly a chilling thought sprang into mind. I do love you. I may have tried to fight the feeling off. I may have wanted to stop myself from feeling anything toward you but hatred. Instead of the hate I have always held for you, I realize that I have only one feeling toward you. There is no other word to describe what I feel for you, Harry. No other.

But _Love._


End file.
